This Is a Public Service Announcement....

Man, I don't want to come off as Danny Downer, or something. And please don't take this posting as one of them "goodbyes" or "Cries for help" or whatever. But I gotta say, does anyone else get hit with this depression suddenly like you're out driving and suddenly the sun goes down and it's pitch black?  Man, it's just hit me the past few days. I'm just in an dark, dark sad place. I can't sort it out yet, what the deal is. I'm going to censor myself (for me, at least) somewhat on here-- I'm not looking to be histrionic, or for "Poor Ethan's", I'm just getting it out from inside.

I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps it's that I may not be the greatest human being (still trying to figure myself out), or that I'm changing careers at my advanced age, and when you do that it affects your family. I mean it's great to be all punk rock and say "$ doesn't matter, do what you love", and yeah it's true, but man, it doesn't get the bills paid or stuff in the fridge. 

I'm confident that this self-pain, and internal discord may dissipate next year when my whole process of licensure thing will be done. But man, until then, this dark cloud.. it hovers, and encompasses. Total darkness.

It's funny, not to reference a dopey Jack Nicholson movie (but I'm going to); what if this is as good as it gets? 

By this, I mean life. Is it: struggle through the week, make sure your khaki's have a nice crease, keep that spreadsheet open/ask those questions efficiently and promptly at the office, come home, try to decompress, go out to Texas Roadhouse or whatever on Saturday night have some boxed wine, and then you get up and do it again on Monday all over?

Is that what this.... whatever you call it, aging, life, whatever, is that it? There's no curtain that opens and  trumpets blare and you go to some magical, cooler place where you hang with the guys in Interpol, go out for Indian food, and you don't feel like you are the youngest 48 year old who doesn't know what he's doing on the planet?

I'm not confirming. I'm not stating. I'm just thinking out loud.  Sorry for the darkness. Had to get it out there. I'm fine, and here, and safe and present. I'm just miserable (more so than usual:)  I just can't see too well today. Need some help with the fog that has surrounded me.

I Hate The Library

Or should I say, my library and I are no longer an item? When you get to my age, a perfect Saturday for me is to go over to the ol’ #BartramTrailBranch of the groovy St. John’s County Library System. They got a quiet room there, it’s air conditioned, it’s away from my family (!), it’s awesome. I would go there, read a couple pages, people watch for a minute, maybe 10 minutes of “oh Christ, I’m glad THAT’S NOT MY Son/Daughter”, and then maybe I check out a mystery and “Sorry Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash” on CD....perfect.

Well lo amd behold, I drive over to library rock city and it was closed! Apparently, it is going to be closed until September. Can you believe that? Former hipsters of the Julington Creek area who are now shambling shells of their former selves will have no place to decompress or get away.  I may have to start to do yard work, or maybe talk to my neighbors. I don’t know. All I can tell you is that nothing quite rocks like quiet, free internet access, and the opportunity to check out the entire Replacements Catalog....heartbroken :(

Maybe I’ll start mountain climbing. I could organize  Team Sincoff, get some supplies (and dry goods), get a Sherpa (because the man is a fucking SHERPA) and go fuck off to Mt. Everest. The world needs a Middle Aged Jew (w/ a Sherpa)  attempting (and obviously failing, tragically) to climb the highest mountain range in the world. Lol it’s true! For my extremely emotional psyche, there is no “middle of the road”, no “test stage” of a hobby. Go big or go home. No baby hills for this mountain climber!

It’s kind of like the same way I left the corporate world
After going thru wild stuff, and then grad school to ask questions and think about answers. There was no “let me ponder this?” Moment. It was “Boom! trauma! Leave Corp
World! Go to grad school! No deep soul searching. No introspection, just did it.

I’m not saying that’s a good thing, I’m just saying that’s me.

With me, all of my soul searching is “am I a good person/human being of value?”, “Am I an even decent Husband/Dad/Friend?” That’s what I fixate and obsess on:

So until I figure out if I’m a good person or not, can anybody/anybody give me the key and WiFi password to the library?