This Is a Public Service Announcement....

Man, I don't want to come off as Danny Downer, or something. And please don't take this posting as one of them "goodbyes" or "Cries for help" or whatever. But I gotta say, does anyone else get hit with this depression suddenly like you're out driving and suddenly the sun goes down and it's pitch black?  Man, it's just hit me the past few days. I'm just in an dark, dark sad place. I can't sort it out yet, what the deal is. I'm going to censor myself (for me, at least) somewhat on here-- I'm not looking to be histrionic, or for "Poor Ethan's", I'm just getting it out from inside.

I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps it's that I may not be the greatest human being (still trying to figure myself out), or that I'm changing careers at my advanced age, and when you do that it affects your family. I mean it's great to be all punk rock and say "$ doesn't matter, do what you love", and yeah it's true, but man, it doesn't get the bills paid or stuff in the fridge. 

I'm confident that this self-pain, and internal discord may dissipate next year when my whole process of licensure thing will be done. But man, until then, this dark cloud.. it hovers, and encompasses. Total darkness.

It's funny, not to reference a dopey Jack Nicholson movie (but I'm going to); what if this is as good as it gets? 

By this, I mean life. Is it: struggle through the week, make sure your khaki's have a nice crease, keep that spreadsheet open/ask those questions efficiently and promptly at the office, come home, try to decompress, go out to Texas Roadhouse or whatever on Saturday night have some boxed wine, and then you get up and do it again on Monday all over?

Is that what this.... whatever you call it, aging, life, whatever, is that it? There's no curtain that opens and  trumpets blare and you go to some magical, cooler place where you hang with the guys in Interpol, go out for Indian food, and you don't feel like you are the youngest 48 year old who doesn't know what he's doing on the planet?

I'm not confirming. I'm not stating. I'm just thinking out loud.  Sorry for the darkness. Had to get it out there. I'm fine, and here, and safe and present. I'm just miserable (more so than usual:)  I just can't see too well today. Need some help with the fog that has surrounded me.

We are past the mid week hump!

I see the weekend as we steamroll straight ahead in the distance. It's almost there!!! I can't say that it's been a particularly bad week of work. It has been stressful though. I am doing a whole Grass Roots Populist John Edwards thing at work. When people are not following purchasing policy, I am documenting it, and talking to them about it.

This is all fine and good. Save for the fact that I am going to be talking to folks who could be higher up on the food chain, who don't really care. That's the thing with corporate America. Perhaps the recent problems in our economy truly point it out. High and Mid level folks, folks who can make decisions about things truly don't give a sh*t. I saw it during the internet boom, and I see it now.

And it's funny 'cos it's not like Karma ever works out to get 'em (Well maybe in the dude who led Qwest Communications' case it does; Joe Naccio). White collar crime, man. You wear a tie and have a degree, you can get away w/ lot's of mischief. 'Nuf Said
Of course I am not going to refer to my place of business in name. Those who know me, know where I work... I gots to be swift like that

I went for an appointment w/ my Nurse Practitioner who handles a portion of my therapy, and medication. She was impressed in the progress I am making emotionally. People who know me, who know me a long time, know that I've always battled depression, anxiety and stuff like that.

However with a combination of medication, good intensive therapy, a bit of exercise, some self examination and especially the love of a great wife and impending fatherhood.... I am starting to get a hold on emotions that have long had a hold on me.

It's very cool to wake up in a day to know that I'm finally in control of how I feel; and I can talk myself down from high anxiety moments. I truly can not wait to start being a dad!!!:)