A Certain Romance

A awesome cool writer/artist friend of mine does not agree that this is the best song of the last 50 years  :) This is a tragedy of epic proportions.

I Don't Do Well With Mother's Day

So yeah. It was Mother's Day on Sunday. 

I'm kinda in a bit of a situation, because I live w/ V, who (obviously) is the Mother to our Son, T. So, I have to acknowledge the event. 

However, my Mom has been dead; what, 20 years already? Something like that. If you factor in the end of her life not being great (and that's a blog post for some other person or some other time. I'm not looking for sympathy today, this are my thoughts as I type. I'm not typing about the days leading up to and including her passing right now), and her passing sudden--I don't particularly want to acknowledge the holiday. It brings back bittersweet memories.

I did manage to say "Happy Anniversary",  babe to V. so I was cool in that respect. She got to watch "Game of Thrones" all day, and I took T out to play baseball. So I hope she had some peace and happiness with her day. I love her very much, and I think she is a fantastic Mother.

I shared this with Paul The Therapist today, about something strange (well it was ME talking). Since my Mom has been gone for 20 something years, my specific special memories of my Mom have begun to blur. With time ticking, the great times, laughs, celebrations and stuff....it all becomes one thing; just "I love Mom. She was great". The memories of the great meals, laughs, tears, vacations....they all fade. The specifics get smaller and smaller. 

That's the tragic part of time.

Perhaps that's why the saddest thing in the world is a fighter who has lost the ability to control his reflexes the way he would. "Ethan, you can't beat Father Time", my Dad would always say sadly. I think he's right. Time is a fucker.

I hold on to a couple of great memories of her, that I keep close to my vest (so to speak). However there is one particularly special memory that I feel has to be blogged about:

There was the year (1989 going into 1990?) where I invited 20 friends or so (oh to have 20 friends again!) over from Temple University for a New Years Eve Party.  Everyone who said they would come, would come!

I remember a crowded apartment....just a sea of drunk kids sneaking outside to smoke cigarettes.... and I hear laughter from the kitchen (I'm in the hallway quite a ways away) and I hear "Sandy, I'm tellin' you the truth! C'mon Sandra"....  I look up over the mass of humanity and I see my mother w/ a Kool Mild hanging out of her mouth arguing and busting Mark C's chops about Reagan, "Don't bullshit me, M..you know he was an asshole"...and ashing her cigarette in an empty sink.

I'm not saying smoking is/was cool because sure it's bad for you. And yeah, it did lead to her passing, but Mom and smokes, at least for this blog posting are warmly remembered and synonymous.

They bullshitted for a bit more, as I observed, smoking and ashing in the sink. And then my Mom said "you're an asshole, but I love you anyway" She then wrapped her arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug as she then went over to the over to get some pigs in a blanket onto a tray to serve to everyone like the good Jewish Mother she was.

And of course, the next morning, I woke up to Mom making bacon and eggs for the 20 or so people in the house. Making sure the distribution of food was equal for everyone.

Yeah, that's a special memory I'll hold onto. 

This Is a Public Service Announcement....

Man, I don't want to come off as Danny Downer, or something. And please don't take this posting as one of them "goodbyes" or "Cries for help" or whatever. But I gotta say, does anyone else get hit with this depression suddenly like you're out driving and suddenly the sun goes down and it's pitch black?  Man, it's just hit me the past few days. I'm just in an dark, dark sad place. I can't sort it out yet, what the deal is. I'm going to censor myself (for me, at least) somewhat on here-- I'm not looking to be histrionic, or for "Poor Ethan's", I'm just getting it out from inside.

I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps it's that I may not be the greatest human being (still trying to figure myself out), or that I'm changing careers at my advanced age, and when you do that it affects your family. I mean it's great to be all punk rock and say "$ doesn't matter, do what you love", and yeah it's true, but man, it doesn't get the bills paid or stuff in the fridge. 

I'm confident that this self-pain, and internal discord may dissipate next year when my whole process of licensure thing will be done. But man, until then, this dark cloud.. it hovers, and encompasses. Total darkness.

It's funny, not to reference a dopey Jack Nicholson movie (but I'm going to); what if this is as good as it gets? 

By this, I mean life. Is it: struggle through the week, make sure your khaki's have a nice crease, keep that spreadsheet open/ask those questions efficiently and promptly at the office, come home, try to decompress, go out to Texas Roadhouse or whatever on Saturday night have some boxed wine, and then you get up and do it again on Monday all over?

Is that what this.... whatever you call it, aging, life, whatever, is that it? There's no curtain that opens and  trumpets blare and you go to some magical, cooler place where you hang with the guys in Interpol, go out for Indian food, and you don't feel like you are the youngest 48 year old who doesn't know what he's doing on the planet?

I'm not confirming. I'm not stating. I'm just thinking out loud.  Sorry for the darkness. Had to get it out there. I'm fine, and here, and safe and present. I'm just miserable (more so than usual:)  I just can't see too well today. Need some help with the fog that has surrounded me.

I Hate The Library

Or should I say, my library and I are no longer an item? When you get to my age, a perfect Saturday for me is to go over to the ol’ #BartramTrailBranch of the groovy St. John’s County Library System. They got a quiet room there, it’s air conditioned, it’s away from my family (!), it’s awesome. I would go there, read a couple pages, people watch for a minute, maybe 10 minutes of “oh Christ, I’m glad THAT’S NOT MY Son/Daughter”, and then maybe I check out a mystery and “Sorry Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash” on CD....perfect.

Well lo amd behold, I drive over to library rock city and it was closed! Apparently, it is going to be closed until September. Can you believe that? Former hipsters of the Julington Creek area who are now shambling shells of their former selves will have no place to decompress or get away.  I may have to start to do yard work, or maybe talk to my neighbors. I don’t know. All I can tell you is that nothing quite rocks like quiet, free internet access, and the opportunity to check out the entire Replacements Catalog....heartbroken :(

Maybe I’ll start mountain climbing. I could organize  Team Sincoff, get some supplies (and dry goods), get a Sherpa (because the man is a fucking SHERPA) and go fuck off to Mt. Everest. The world needs a Middle Aged Jew (w/ a Sherpa)  attempting (and obviously failing, tragically) to climb the highest mountain range in the world. Lol it’s true! For my extremely emotional psyche, there is no “middle of the road”, no “test stage” of a hobby. Go big or go home. No baby hills for this mountain climber!

It’s kind of like the same way I left the corporate world
After going thru wild stuff, and then grad school to ask questions and think about answers. There was no “let me ponder this?” Moment. It was “Boom! trauma! Leave Corp
World! Go to grad school! No deep soul searching. No introspection, just did it.

I’m not saying that’s a good thing, I’m just saying that’s me.

With me, all of my soul searching is “am I a good person/human being of value?”, “Am I an even decent Husband/Dad/Friend?” That’s what I fixate and obsess on:

So until I figure out if I’m a good person or not, can anybody/anybody give me the key and WiFi password to the library?

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Ethan

So, May 1st, huh? is that "May Day"? I never knew, exactly.  You would think a Red Diaper Baby Radical like myself would actually know when the symbolic day of the worker actually is....  However, I'm puckishly ironic in these contemporary times; what can I tell ya?  I know I am letting everyone down.

So, this Mueller Report about Trump deal. Does it clear the President and his Administration, or not? I don't get it. Y'know, obviously, the guy is the hugest scumbag; anyone who grew up in the NYC/Philly area in the 1980's can attest to what farce and carnival broker this schmuck is. However, was there collusion or not with The Russians with the election? Isn't it a "yes" or "no" answer in the report?

Is it a vague gray area? How can The Special Council (Not The Specials, mind you) spend 2 years investigating, and then the report comes out and the reaction is "eh, who knows" My interpretation is that some screwed up stuff happened but they could not find anything concrete to pin on Drumpf. However my opinion and .50 will buy you a cuppa coffee.

I still remember this song from back in 1970/1980ish time period. It was Thatcher and her Conservatives, destroying the Labour Party and Privatizing just about anything she could get her hands on.  The US is kinda like a Ghost Town now, no? Fast food culture, devoid of hope; endless coffee cups, etc. Maybe not.

In some other news, I'm making some changes in the places where I ask lot's of questions. Some well wishes towards my future endeavors were handed my way, somewhat unexpectedly.  You live, and you learn.

I'm asking questions and listening to kids at this after school place. Anger issues, won't listen, etc. First time small world incident where a kiddo who I was joking with was the BROTHER of a kid I used to ask questions to at my Internship 3 years ago. Funny ol' world, innit?

Still asking questions at night at the drug/drink place. Just "on call" as needed. They have good snacks there. New kind of Sprite in the soda machine is great.

What about you? Did you find parking? Did you get the good bread from the Italian Bakery on the drive home?  How are you? Hope you're rockin'.