The Funny Thing About Clarity (Or The Jennifer's Story)....

So yeah, I went to school w/ A-LOT of Jennifer's.  However, this story is going to be about a specific # of Jennifer's.... more on them later.  Trust me, you're gonna dig it.... Or you'll think I'm vain, and a narcissist, and someone who clings to the past....or whatever.ANYWAY I digress... some preface for the story:

• This is my version of my high school years.
• My desire to be an iconoclastic "Alterna-punkish" kid might have made me a sort of lone wolf
• I never did play the game
• Those in the story may very well have their own memory of events (they may have no memory of that time at all as well).
• If those that contributed to some of the negative descriptions here vehemently disagree, then they have to write their own blog post. This is my .05, and I'm riding this proverbial streetcar to Coney Island.

Let me tell you about these Jennifer's (and again, let me stress, this is just me, your humble narrator talking).  If  you have seen "Mean Girls" or, of course (for my generation), "Heathers", than you have a good idea of what some of these gals were like. They were always "The Jen's", or "The Jennifer's".  For some reason I can't place when they all met up, In my mind, they were always one unit, walking, socializing, and ruling NPHS together. Before I proceed, I gotta break down The Jennifer's, so you know the personalities. There were:

1. Evil Psychopath Jen w/No Feelings or Emotions (the leader. She directed things..)
2. Blank Moon Faced Evil Jen (Evil, Evil, very full of herself.. but easily manipulated by EPJ)
3. Dopey Mean Jen (She wasn't evil... she was....dopey... but dopey and mean....where as the first 2 had a real evil undertone to the havoc they raised. DMJ was mean.... but you got the sense that she was a mean girl, who giggled a lot)
4. Nice Normal, Cool Jen (NNCJ plays a big role in this story, and we are gonna get back to her in a bit. Suffice to say for now, is that while she ran w/ this crew... I always got the sense that out of the corner of my eye (I'm talking in an allegorical way) I could see her shaking her head, and laughing at the others as if to say "I can't believe these people are doing this.. this is such a joke")
5. Sheryl Who Became A Jen (SWBAJ plays no role in this story. I have no idea what happened to her. I merely remember her as walking around w/a hyoooooge sour puss on her face as if she smelled something really badly.)

Anyway, so yeah, these girls ran the school. If the Jen's did not come to your social event, it was not an event. They were only seen together...sort of like ZZ Top.  North Plainfield, NJ wasn't a huge place.  It was very provincial. This was pre internet, pre grunge, pre LaloPalooza... so listening to alternative music...just wasn't popular. I listened to that stuff... there was a lot of shit that went on: Notes in classes, finger pointing, laughing etc.  I just remember that time as "let's give EPJ, DMJ and BMFEJ all the good classes, all the good parts in plays, everything top of the line, and let see them walk majestically around, and see if they would acknowledge you"

Of course, if you caught them w/o each other it was a different scene. EPJ wouldn't talk, she'd just stare (she needed minions to manipulate for evil), BMFEJ would not stare at you, and be nervous and twirl her hair (as if counting down the minutes to get back to EPJ) DMJ would just giggle and stare mutely (again, waiting to get back so The Brood could be reunite)
NNCJ Was Awesome, though... and before you read more and then go "Ethan Sincoff, you're such a suck ass, of course you're gonna write that NNCJ was awesome after the role the plays at the end of the clarity deal"....
She truly was.  She was the only one out of that schmucky group who would sit down and say "hey Ethan, how are you?" Make eye contact w/you.... and seem sincere.   Again the others would not even look at you.  We had a few classes together... social science and I believe a study hall.. I remember sitting in the back of the room w/ NNCJ and laughing my ass off, as we goofed around (I think there was a convo about Postmen, and seatbelts.. and her Uncle was a Postman in Dunellen....)

• And like I said, she plays a big role later in the story. But she WAS awesome...and a delight to spend time w/.... and like I said, always looked like she couldn't believe what these other chicks were up to.

So, even though my high school years were miserable, and a large part of it was due to the finger pointing, laughs, phone calls ("Ethan, I'm Jennifer Jones, from Watchung Hills") of this group.. time goes by. You graduate, you go to college. You graduate from there... even go to graduate school (as u know I like to be so overeducated, I'm going back for round 2 of grad school)... you  proceed w/ the future, you get a career, you fall in love, have a kid... yet you are still always somewhat connected to the past
Why was the group so mean? Why was there an undercurrent of evil w/ the main members?

So yeah, you grow up, you move on, you age.. but to be comfortable in your present.. you got to be comfortable w/ your past... and comfort w/ my time in high school was NOT something I had.  anyone who knows me, or has heard the podcast, or read this blog knows I'm not stranger to therapy...I've been there, in fact I was I had done therapy back then..maybe I wouldn't be typing this right now.

My therapist and I were talking about the future, and my concerns on my positives as a Husband, Dad, Friend, Human Being, Adult. Paul said "hey, Ethan, look; you're a wonderful guy. You know you're a good Husband/Dad, etc.  The great thing is you are working on you. You are a work in progress but you are great.  I said yeah but I haven't figured out the past yet... Paul said "well we have talked about your relationship with your Mom and Dad"

I said "Oh, Paul: This ain't about my Mom and Dad,  this is about The Jennifer's"
So I told him.... the prank calls, the jokes.. the scowls all of it.. how they ruled the social circle... and w/ a look or a nod, could control how you were perceived, accepted, etc... I tell him about EPJ, et. al.

Paul thought for a moment, leaned back in his comfy chair and said:  "Have you asked them why they were this way?" 
"Oh, Nooooooooo". I said."I felt too scared and alone then... so so small. I was afraid to ask and put myself out there".
Paul then said: "Well Ethan, I think it's time you did. You are ready for this challenge"
As a true 21st Century Boy, I immediately went on the Social Networks, and I was involved in a post w/ other people who had been bullied by others and The Jen's as well. I sucked it up,, and I tagged EPJ and BMFEJ and said "Hey I'd like some clarity on those years, can you share your memories, and why were you so mean?".... I got no response

Crickets, chirped....

So, I then smacked my head, and said "DUH! NNCJ!" I sent an email to NNCJ asking "why" (much like this blog post, it was a lot longer than that.. but you know us Jews and words!) and within 5 minutes I got an email in response w/ her number and her saying she remembered me fondly, and she wanted to discuss this as well.

So, I called her....
And we talked.... and we talked.. and had a great conversation... laughed....I cried a little (I'm a wuss)... and caught up  and talked about our lives and where we were at.  In the end... the "why" question did get answered....It's never as monumental or euphoric when you find it out in real life... trumpets don't go off, or bells ring... there's no confetti that comes down from the ceiling.. no Monty Hall "let's make a deal" type celebration

But there WAS sense of peace, of accomplishing something, and figuring out something about the past... we said we'd keep in touch (and I hope that we will, and not in a air kiss/sweetie fabulous mwah mwah kinda way).. we'll see. I'm a real pain in the fucking ass to keep in touch with.

In Fact, to be honest (and I will be general w/ this, as some of this stuff is NNCJ's private stuff and I will not divulge)... I THINK.. I think the why is that... well I think it was that it was:

1. There was A-LOT of fucked up stuff going on in people's lives
2. EPJ And BMFEJ were Evil
3. DMJ was Dumb and Mean
4. 1980's Suburban NJ was not a good place to stand up, and say "ohmigosh,  perhaps these kids are being persecuted, and one day this chunky, glasses wearing kid named Ethan is gonna Facebook blizzard the 2 crazy mean empty ones because he still remembers the pain they caused him 25 years ago"

So in the end, I got no response from the 2 evil leaders (as I said SWBAJ was MIA and I didn't really consider DMJ to be on my radar... She was Dumb. She was Mean. Period.. No mystery)

And I did not conduct myself as a gentleman, I kinda flipped when I got no response:

1. I indeed called EPJ a "psychopath w/ no feelings" (well it is true, but still to write it on FB)
2. I called BMFEJ "aging".. and that "she lives "alone, w/a  cat... and hopefully someone is checking in on her and has a set of her keys because she could be in trouble" (I wont quote the part about people better check because she could be decomposing down thru the floorboards to the apartment below)
3. I asked BMFEJ if The Aurora Dinner Theatre had a workshop version of "Stephen Sondheim's Vanities" going on that night.

Had I stopped w/ reconnecting with NNCJ, this would be a great 100 positive story, but.... no. :)So yeah, I was a prick in the end... but the 2 leaders.. I didn't get anything... no response... the pack mentality was one thing.. when they were addressed individually... they were quiet... that doesn't excuse my lack of taste (albeit, perhaps stating the truth)... but I'm merely providing a context for that lack of taste...why it happened.

However, in the end I did get a FB message from  DMJ, which basically said the following:

• The Jen's were great friends. They cared a lot for each other.
• Most people never took the time to understand them
• How could I (meaning how could Ethan) remember something that happened 25 years ago
• And closed by saying "Ethan if you feel you need closure, than here it is: I am sorry you feel that you were wronged all those years ago. We were kids"

And you know, I shoulda stopped at that.. I should have said oh well somethings cant be totally figured out (why do good people die, Why did The Holocaust happen, Why does everyone hate Israel, etc. etc.).. I shoulda said "well those girls, esp BMFJ and EPJ... they just don't have "IT" (humanity? A sense of introspection? Humility? I dunno...) to process this....and I found DMJ's response to be insulting and dismissive... so of course I could Not let it lie,so I said:

• I reject your apology DMJ because it is insincere, and I didn't ask for one, I wanted clarity
• As far as getting to know the main manipulators in the group, you never let anyone in.. you never shared, you only talked to the people in your status.
• They were blank, mean and evil (again, I am referring to the main  players here. NNCJ was nice enough to reconnect, and talk to me about this. While I'm not gonna share the heart of our conversation, suffice to say I have a much better understanding of what was going on w/ her. I'm very appreciative of the role she played her, and her friendship) 
• I said I think that maybe you guys haven't grown up THAT much because out of all the nursing schools in America, BMFEJ chose to go to school 15 minutes away from EPJ
• She also said "who's the bully now?" To which I said "you are absolutely right, this is not my greatest moment, but oh well, I'll sleep a good sleep tonight."
• I closed by again referencing the Denver Police wellness check on BMFEJ

And then she said "I'm done" 
and  then I got a message from Bland, Blond, Musical Theatre Guy from North Plainfield saying "What the hell are you doing, Ethan, You're making a bloody fool of yourself. I thought you were above this"... then I said "I'm trying to find clarity, trying to figure some stuff out about the past"
Steve W. says (something I hear a lot, and I don't understand: "It is what it is" and "Ethan I hope you don't do anything stupid (fly to Denver? Kill myself?  Buy a racehorse?) but this is where you and I part (unfriend). Those are my friends you are talking about"

There is another friend who needs no initials, who was monitoring this whole thing but knows all the players, when I told her Steve's words from above, she messaged back only one word:

FA**OT!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

So, in the end, was the experience a perfect one? No. Did I find out some stuff, absolutely. I found out that NNCJ is  a great woman, w/ some insight and kindness regarding the past. She explained to me in depth her view of what happened... While I am not certain I totally understand.... I do understand somewhat. I'm so glad for the opportunity to speak to her. And for the class she showed. She's overcome a lot, and needs to be saluted. And I promise to not keep in touch so much I drive her crazy... :)

Finally, I learned that you really "can't go home again"... some things just,.... ARE.. there are no grand answers.... gongs don't go off.... Pete Townshend doesn't scream "I want my MTV" etc..   Sometimes people are just assholes.. people are fucked up because they come from fucked up places... unfortunately that fucked up-ness is toxic.

I feel like I learned some stuff thru this experience. I am not scared anymore. I'm proud of the Man (Dad/Husband) that I've become. I look back w/ fondness at the teenager I was. I feel like I was knocked down, but I got up. I faced those demons...and I came out of it ok

...and I returned their baggage to them, the rightful owners.