A Certain Romance

A awesome cool writer/artist friend of mine does not agree that this is the best song of the last 50 years  :) This is a tragedy of epic proportions.

I Don't Do Well With Mother's Day

So yeah. It was Mother's Day on Sunday. 

I'm kinda in a bit of a situation, because I live w/ V, who (obviously) is the Mother to our Son, T. So, I have to acknowledge the event. 

However, my Mom has been dead; what, 20 years already? Something like that. If you factor in the end of her life not being great (and that's a blog post for some other person or some other time. I'm not looking for sympathy today, this are my thoughts as I type. I'm not typing about the days leading up to and including her passing right now), and her passing sudden--I don't particularly want to acknowledge the holiday. It brings back bittersweet memories.

I did manage to say "Happy Anniversary",  babe to V. so I was cool in that respect. She got to watch "Game of Thrones" all day, and I took T out to play baseball. So I hope she had some peace and happiness with her day. I love her very much, and I think she is a fantastic Mother.

I shared this with Paul The Therapist today, about something strange (well it was ME talking). Since my Mom has been gone for 20 something years, my specific special memories of my Mom have begun to blur. With time ticking, the great times, laughs, celebrations and stuff....it all becomes one thing; just "I love Mom. She was great". The memories of the great meals, laughs, tears, vacations....they all fade. The specifics get smaller and smaller. 

That's the tragic part of time.

Perhaps that's why the saddest thing in the world is a fighter who has lost the ability to control his reflexes the way he would. "Ethan, you can't beat Father Time", my Dad would always say sadly. I think he's right. Time is a fucker.

I hold on to a couple of great memories of her, that I keep close to my vest (so to speak). However there is one particularly special memory that I feel has to be blogged about:

There was the year (1989 going into 1990?) where I invited 20 friends or so (oh to have 20 friends again!) over from Temple University for a New Years Eve Party.  Everyone who said they would come, would come!

I remember a crowded apartment....just a sea of drunk kids sneaking outside to smoke cigarettes.... and I hear laughter from the kitchen (I'm in the hallway quite a ways away) and I hear "Sandy, I'm tellin' you the truth! C'mon Sandra"....  I look up over the mass of humanity and I see my mother w/ a Kool Mild hanging out of her mouth arguing and busting Mark C's chops about Reagan, "Don't bullshit me, M..you know he was an asshole"...and ashing her cigarette in an empty sink.

I'm not saying smoking is/was cool because sure it's bad for you. And yeah, it did lead to her passing, but Mom and smokes, at least for this blog posting are warmly remembered and synonymous.

They bullshitted for a bit more, as I observed, smoking and ashing in the sink. And then my Mom said "you're an asshole, but I love you anyway" She then wrapped her arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug as she then went over to the over to get some pigs in a blanket onto a tray to serve to everyone like the good Jewish Mother she was.

And of course, the next morning, I woke up to Mom making bacon and eggs for the 20 or so people in the house. Making sure the distribution of food was equal for everyone.

Yeah, that's a special memory I'll hold onto. 

This Is a Public Service Announcement....

Man, I don't want to come off as Danny Downer, or something. And please don't take this posting as one of them "goodbyes" or "Cries for help" or whatever. But I gotta say, does anyone else get hit with this depression suddenly like you're out driving and suddenly the sun goes down and it's pitch black?  Man, it's just hit me the past few days. I'm just in an dark, dark sad place. I can't sort it out yet, what the deal is. I'm going to censor myself (for me, at least) somewhat on here-- I'm not looking to be histrionic, or for "Poor Ethan's", I'm just getting it out from inside.

I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps it's that I may not be the greatest human being (still trying to figure myself out), or that I'm changing careers at my advanced age, and when you do that it affects your family. I mean it's great to be all punk rock and say "$ doesn't matter, do what you love", and yeah it's true, but man, it doesn't get the bills paid or stuff in the fridge. 

I'm confident that this self-pain, and internal discord may dissipate next year when my whole process of licensure thing will be done. But man, until then, this dark cloud.. it hovers, and encompasses. Total darkness.

It's funny, not to reference a dopey Jack Nicholson movie (but I'm going to); what if this is as good as it gets? 

By this, I mean life. Is it: struggle through the week, make sure your khaki's have a nice crease, keep that spreadsheet open/ask those questions efficiently and promptly at the office, come home, try to decompress, go out to Texas Roadhouse or whatever on Saturday night have some boxed wine, and then you get up and do it again on Monday all over?

Is that what this.... whatever you call it, aging, life, whatever, is that it? There's no curtain that opens and  trumpets blare and you go to some magical, cooler place where you hang with the guys in Interpol, go out for Indian food, and you don't feel like you are the youngest 48 year old who doesn't know what he's doing on the planet?

I'm not confirming. I'm not stating. I'm just thinking out loud.  Sorry for the darkness. Had to get it out there. I'm fine, and here, and safe and present. I'm just miserable (more so than usual:)  I just can't see too well today. Need some help with the fog that has surrounded me.

I Hate The Library

Or should I say, my library and I are no longer an item? When you get to my age, a perfect Saturday for me is to go over to the ol’ #BartramTrailBranch of the groovy St. John’s County Library System. They got a quiet room there, it’s air conditioned, it’s away from my family (!), it’s awesome. I would go there, read a couple pages, people watch for a minute, maybe 10 minutes of “oh Christ, I’m glad THAT’S NOT MY Son/Daughter”, and then maybe I check out a mystery and “Sorry Ma, Forgot To Take Out The Trash” on CD....perfect.

Well lo amd behold, I drive over to library rock city and it was closed! Apparently, it is going to be closed until September. Can you believe that? Former hipsters of the Julington Creek area who are now shambling shells of their former selves will have no place to decompress or get away.  I may have to start to do yard work, or maybe talk to my neighbors. I don’t know. All I can tell you is that nothing quite rocks like quiet, free internet access, and the opportunity to check out the entire Replacements Catalog....heartbroken :(

Maybe I’ll start mountain climbing. I could organize  Team Sincoff, get some supplies (and dry goods), get a Sherpa (because the man is a fucking SHERPA) and go fuck off to Mt. Everest. The world needs a Middle Aged Jew (w/ a Sherpa)  attempting (and obviously failing, tragically) to climb the highest mountain range in the world. Lol it’s true! For my extremely emotional psyche, there is no “middle of the road”, no “test stage” of a hobby. Go big or go home. No baby hills for this mountain climber!

It’s kind of like the same way I left the corporate world
After going thru wild stuff, and then grad school to ask questions and think about answers. There was no “let me ponder this?” Moment. It was “Boom! trauma! Leave Corp
World! Go to grad school! No deep soul searching. No introspection, just did it.

I’m not saying that’s a good thing, I’m just saying that’s me.

With me, all of my soul searching is “am I a good person/human being of value?”, “Am I an even decent Husband/Dad/Friend?” That’s what I fixate and obsess on:

So until I figure out if I’m a good person or not, can anybody/anybody give me the key and WiFi password to the library?

Are You There Blog? It's Me, Ethan

So, May 1st, huh? is that "May Day"? I never knew, exactly.  You would think a Red Diaper Baby Radical like myself would actually know when the symbolic day of the worker actually is....  However, I'm puckishly ironic in these contemporary times; what can I tell ya?  I know I am letting everyone down.

So, this Mueller Report about Trump deal. Does it clear the President and his Administration, or not? I don't get it. Y'know, obviously, the guy is the hugest scumbag; anyone who grew up in the NYC/Philly area in the 1980's can attest to what farce and carnival broker this schmuck is. However, was there collusion or not with The Russians with the election? Isn't it a "yes" or "no" answer in the report?

Is it a vague gray area? How can The Special Council (Not The Specials, mind you) spend 2 years investigating, and then the report comes out and the reaction is "eh, who knows" My interpretation is that some screwed up stuff happened but they could not find anything concrete to pin on Drumpf. However my opinion and .50 will buy you a cuppa coffee.

I still remember this song from back in 1970/1980ish time period. It was Thatcher and her Conservatives, destroying the Labour Party and Privatizing just about anything she could get her hands on.  The US is kinda like a Ghost Town now, no? Fast food culture, devoid of hope; endless coffee cups, etc. Maybe not.

In some other news, I'm making some changes in the places where I ask lot's of questions. Some well wishes towards my future endeavors were handed my way, somewhat unexpectedly.  You live, and you learn.

I'm asking questions and listening to kids at this after school place. Anger issues, won't listen, etc. First time small world incident where a kiddo who I was joking with was the BROTHER of a kid I used to ask questions to at my Internship 3 years ago. Funny ol' world, innit?

Still asking questions at night at the drug/drink place. Just "on call" as needed. They have good snacks there. New kind of Sprite in the soda machine is great.

What about you? Did you find parking? Did you get the good bread from the Italian Bakery on the drive home?  How are you? Hope you're rockin'. 

It's tough when you ask lot's of questions!

Y'know, as I think I have said previously, I have a gig where I talk and talk and talk. Sometimes I feel like a 1970's talk show host ("So Bob Hope, Tell me about your new Christmas Special!") Sometimes  I wonder if the stuff I talk to the person(s) about, if it is more for my benefit or for their interest as well.  I am told that it is healthy to question the direction of the questions and themes you are throwing out as a professional asker  of Q's. it's healthy to have some self-doubt when it comes to question asking.

What I do know is that by the time I am done asking and reassessing stuff and people at the end of the week, I totally want to disengage.  I love people, but I'd much rather be a watcher and observer on the weekend or after 5PM during the week.  I don't get to observe too much, and I find I still, a, quite verbal.  In the end, I hate silence. Silence leads to free time, and free time leads to self-reflection.  Once I make the right turn onto Self-Reflection Avenue, it's only a matter of time before I find myself cutting across traffic to merge onto Self-Loathing Parkway!!

Once I'm on Self-Loathing Parkway, put the hazards on and get over to the shoulder. I'm gonna be there all day!  So yeah, I'm constantly in motion. I have to be, even if it's self-deprecating stuff. Quiet = Alone = Self and that is not a good combination for Mr. Blogger over here.  I mean, I don't know if that means if it's quiet, I begin to ask the same sort of questions to myself that I do to others? That's above my pay grade.  All I know is that people and sound (laughter, love, anger, passion) = Life/The Human Condition for me.

I reflect all the time because I'm a Mushy Nudnik

So, a while ago HBO announced they would no longer televise boxing after something like 45 years. Huge announcement. Big time statement for television and internet streaming type networks. ESPN got all these fighters assigned to exclusive contracts and will pay 'em a gazillion $ to fight on streaming platforms... new streaming platforms...blah blah blah. I don't like it. I want my boxing on my cable. And I will share why because I'm reflective:

Watching boxing was one of the things that bonded me with my Father. While I loved my Dad (and I'm sure; he loved me) he was a difficult guy to get along with.  There was always something to argue about when it came to Dad and I. Stuff like:

• Ethan your cholesterol is too high!
• Ethan, you haven't been going to the gym enough! 
• Ethan, why are you dating that girl!?
• Ethan, why do you make stupid decisions!?

 So the thing with Dad was there was always love, and fun, but on his terms. That was just the guy he was. I'm not saying there weren't good times, they were just confusing and good. Anyway, I digress...boxing...

There was this one night, I came home (i was in my mid 20's, post college, living at home. No $, no job, etc.) My Father is sitting there in front of the TV like an inch away from it because he was deaf. He's got Spanish (Univision) TV blaring. He didn't speak Spanish. He looks at me and takes his glasses off - - I instantly know he has something serious to say, when he took his glasses off it was on like Donkey Kong.

"I want you to listen to me for a moment, will you just listen to me for a moment, Ethan?"

I said I would listen. My question about why he was watching Spanish television was dismissed with a wave of his Talmudic hand.

"Listen this is Boxing from the LA Forum. The fights are fantastic, and the fighters are just out of this world. It will blow you way like nothing you've seen before, trust me."

 I was skeptical but decided to hang in there when Dad said the following:

"You know how we go to theatre, to Broadway all the time? Well, this is theatre like nothing you've ever seen. It's Shakespeare. Passion like nothing I've ever seen before. Good against Evil, and more. So listen to me, please, please watch it with me."

 And wouldn't you know it, he was right? I was blown away. And from that Univision Moment, I discovered a new passion, I realized saying "That guy has a lot of heart", and "Fighting in a phone booth"were compliments of the highest type in the Sincoff Family."

And with this (now mutual) love of boxing; Dad and I had something we would not fight about.  There was no discussing of my weight, or my cholesterol, or my choice of relationships, or spending.... there was this silence on the phone, as the wheels turned in his brain down here in Florida, and in my head up in Jersey....trying to find something in common to not argue about, to be in unison on......

"Hey isn't that devastating body puncher from _______ (Mexico City, Puebla, Argentina, etc.) fighting tonight? That's going to be good, don't you think?" 

And instantly,we were in agreement. Of course there were the late night phone calls during the fights where we would shout at each other, and voicemails where when I was out on the town, my father would scream about what I was missing...

So, simply put, Boxing on HBO was a very special thing that Dad and I shared. When we talked boxing (and politics, too to be fair), We connected on it, there was only love and respect.  

That's why not having boxing on HBO means the end of something, much like Dad not being around anymore.

Dad was a good guy. He tried. He had alot of heart, you know?

 

The Jam - Town Called Malice

Pretty much no other song signifies "England" to me. When I think of the UK, I think of this bass line, and that keyboard intro, and Paul Weller immediately going to Pop Marxism and Working Class Struggle, I'm hooked. And the lyrics! Listen to this great lines about empty milk bottles, runaway buses, and hanging old love letters on line to dry.... it breaks your heart, and then you get fish and chips.

Other than maybe a couple Billy Bragg songs, I can't think of a band/performer like Paul Weller/The Jam who combined fantastic rock songs about love, and also fill them with a sense of the class struggle. Brilliant. Enjoy x.

The Jam - That's Entertainment

That's Entertainment!!

Please allow me to introduce myself

So, it's been a while then, eh? A perusal on the right hand side of the blog will show you that I've been doing this blog for a loooooong time. More off than on, sadly.  Of course, I was doing the podcast for a while, and had some awesome people on, and great chats. However: A) I found out I found myself far funnier and interesting than my guests or non-existent audience did B) Once I started working, I found I did not have time to seek out guests, prepare for a show, and be "on". It's hard to be "on" when you're me on a regular day, ya know? :)

So if you want to seek the podcast out, please do so, I'm proud of it. However, note it is not safe for work and I sometimes discuss highly inappropriate material...and I curse like a sailor, so please, be ok to handle the F Bomb and perhaps even the MF bomb a few thousand times.

So  I've decided that I'm gonna be a BIT less sharing than I have in previous versions.  However, I think I need to introduce myself:

I'm Ethan. I'm 48. I have a great wife named Vicki and a great son named Tobin who is 10. They are awesome and deserve medals for putting up with me as I can often be a dick, and a pain as I struggle to navigate the whole adult, what do I want thing. It's funny how sometimes no matter how old you get, you still feel like the little kid who is looking for the adultset to stop the bullies at the playground.

I went back to school and got a degree in something and I now work where I talk to alot of people about lot's of things.  I'm never gonna put anything directly from work on here, at all; info will be altered so art is not imitating life  so much, or whatever. I've been burned before by someone finding out something about a blog post....so ....

I talk to people, and they talk to me, and I don't work in sales and marketing. So that's all the detail you're going to get directly from me. I may say "a person said something interesting to me" etc. However, no one I encounter on a daily basis talking and connecting with is referenced here. So,, there.... sometimes I even talk to a couple of people at once (big sales seminars).

So, that's about it for right now. I think I've discovered less is more when it comes to blogging. I mean do you really want me to write pages and pages? I can, but I shall resist. What am  I gonna write about? Life, nothing about work, laughing, struggling, whatevering...... So come on take a look why don't you? I'm gonna try and update this regularly. I am not good at the artistic side of things so the blog may look a little lame, but there you go. Ok. More later!